


Through The Dreams And Disasters, I just Wanna Feel Alive

by libellules_et_papillons



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ash's been a little depressed, Cal just wants him to feel better, Fluff, Happy Ending, It sounds angsty but it's not that bad I promise, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 02:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5030728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libellules_et_papillons/pseuds/libellules_et_papillons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash is so full of life, Calum always thinks, like a god damned force of nature. He’ll wake up in the morning with his thousand watt smile and his grandiose gestures and his loud, laughing voice and he’ll just go, go, go, giving everything he has to every part of his day, giving everything his all, no matter what. Even when he’s tired, he’s smiling.</p><p>But even Ashton runs on E sometimes, and Calum thinks he’s getting there pretty quick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through The Dreams And Disasters, I just Wanna Feel Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something I thought of based on a recent interview the boys gave to some magazine I forget the name of where Ashton said he'd been a bit depressed lately. The title is from Dreams and Disasters by Owl City.

They’ve got a day off. Finally.

Calum’s so tired. He loves what they do, really. There’s absolutely nothing like it, nothing he’d trade for those precious moments on stage where the air feels alive and every fiber of his being is thrumming with raw energy, saturated and dripping off him in waves as he jumps and kicks and screams and _sings_ like he’ll die if he doesn’t get it all out. Those moments are irreplaceable.

But sometimes the interviews and the promo and every moment that isn’t on stage can be so draining in the same sort of way. He knows it comes with the job and he can’t complain too much, just sucks it up the best he can and waits for those moments that make it all worth it. They all do. It’s how the job works.

Still, some days are worse than others.

And lately, Calum knows it’s been hitting Ashton pretty hard. Ash is so full of life, Calum always thinks, like a god damned force of nature. He’ll wake up in the morning with his thousand watt smile and his grandiose gestures and his loud, laughing voice and he’ll just go, go, go, giving everything he has to every part of his day, giving everything his all, no matter what. Even when he’s tired, he’s smiling.

But even Ashton runs on E sometimes, and Calum thinks he’s getting there pretty quick. He’s been a little irritable lately, even snapped at Michael the other day over something stupid that Calum doesn’t quite remember. He’s tired. They all are. And Ashton’s hitting a breaking point, Calum’s sure, needs someone to pick him up and help him out because he knows his best friend is going to lose his shit if he gets asked what his favorite Disney princess is one more time.

So on their day off, instead of sleeping like his body desperately is telling him to, he knocks on Ashton’s door. They’re back home in Sydney, staying in a hotel in the city, and Calum’s already seen his family, knows Ashton spent all day with his yesterday. They’ve got some time, which is a precious they don’t often have, and Calum intends to use it.

Ashton answers on the third knock, hair a mess and shirtless, and Calum shamelessly lets his gaze drink in his entire appearance. He’s not sure he has a label for what he and Ash are, because it’s definitely more than friends, but he doesn’t need that right now, doesn’t want to talk about that today. He just wants Ashton to feel better. To unwind, a little.

“What.” Ashton’s grumpy.

“Get dressed! We’re going out.” Calum says.

Ashton squints and frowns at him. “It’s barely noon.” he mumbles.

“Not like, to a club. Just out. The weather’s beautiful. C’mon. Please?” He sticks out his lower lip, pouting, and Ashton rolls his eyes.

“Lemme find a shirt.” he mumbles and Calum grins widely.

 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, they’re driving through the city in a car Dave let them borrow. Calum’s behind the wheel, grip a little tight and still a little nervous at how new he is to driving, but he’s doing well. They’ve got the windows rolled down, the cool wind blowing in, and the radio is nearly maxed out. The sky looks dark, like it’s about to rain, but he barely cares.

Ashton reaches forward to turn the radio down a little, so they can hear themselves speak over it. “So what is it you wanted to do, exactly?” He asks.

Calum shrugs. “Just hang out, I guess! It’s been awhile, you know? Especially since we just, like, drove around and listened to music. I dunno. I thought it’d be fun.”

They used to, all the time. Back before the band got big, when Ashton would come and break him out of school early in his tiny silver car. They’d put on whatever CD they had and blast the music so loud it would rattle the windows and then they’d just drive around the city. Luke and Michael would join too, but often it was just the two of them. Calum sort of missed it, to be honest. Calum had a lot of first times in Ashton’s car with the music blaring. Ashton had been his first everything, to be honest.

Ashton snorts, but Calum can see him smiling. “Sentimental shithead.” he mutters.

Calum laughs. “Ash, if I was being sentimental, I’d be playing Motley Crue.” he says.

“Why’s that?”

And Calum feels his face go a little red as he replies, “We had our first kiss listening to them.”

Ashton’s quiet, and Calum’s afraid maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up. They didn’t talk about it, what they were, and especially not out in the middle of the day like this. But when Calum finally braves a glance over, he can see a little smile on Ashton’s face.

“Yeah.” he murmurs. “We did.”

They drive on in comfortable silence for a while, but it isn’t long before Ashton’s grabbing Calum’s phone, their current source of music, and actually changing it to Motley Crue. Calum laughs, loud and long, before glancing at him.

“Sentimental shithead.” he mutters with a grin.

Ashton flips him off, but he’s smiling. “I just can’t resist Nikki Sixx.” he replies, but he slurs his words around the name, giving Calum a smug look.

Calum narrows his eyes. “Fuck you.” he deadpans, and Ashton bursts out into laughter.

“I’m sorry, really I am.” he chokes out between laughs, and Calum doesn’t believe him for a minute. But he can’t honestly say he minds too much, not when Ashton is laughing so genuinely. It’s wonderful to hear.

They start singing along to the music, though not well. It’s all very dramatic, with a lot of head banging and terrible serenading to each other, and Calum adores it. Ashton gets so animated when it comes to music, it brings him to life more than anything else possibly could. And it’s different than if they were on stage, here in the car. Ashton isn’t putting on a show, doesn’t have to, and he just lets himself be wild and crazy and Calum laughs along with him. He always does.

He wants to ask Ashton if he’s okay, though. He wants him to talk, to tell him what exactly has been pulling him down into this funk lately and how Calum can help. Because he knows it gets tough, it gets hard on all of them, and he thinks Ashton should be able to talk to them when it does, because god knows no one else will get it like they do. But he doesn’t want to interrupt this moment, not with that, so he decides it can wait. He can ask Ashton later. Because right now, Ashton seems to be more than okay, and even if it’s just temporary, he deserves to have this moment to himself.

Ashton’s in the middle of arguably the best air guitar solo Calum has ever seen when the rain hits. It comes very suddenly, hitting very hard, thick raindrops that splatter loudly against the windshield almost violently. Calum flicks on the windshield wipers and rolls his window up, cursing at the cold rain that hits his arm before he gets it closed.

He expects Ashton to roll his window up as well, and then he figures they should probably head back to the hotel. He doesn’t want to get into any kind of accident and the rain makes it considerably harder to see. But when he looks over, Ashton has his entire upper body out the window, and Calum can faintly hear him yelling something.

“Ash, what the hell!” he says with a laugh. “Get back in here, you’re going to get sick!”

Ashton shouts something, he thinks, but he can’t hear him. “I can’t hear you!”

He slides back into the car and his eyes are wide and alive, his cheeks flushed. His hair is soaking wet and sticking to his forehead, but he’s wearing the biggest smile Calum has probably ever seen on him.

“I said,” Ashton says. “That I’m not gonna get sick from a little water, Cal!” Then he shakes his head just like a damn dog, and the raindrops that clung to his hair splatter all over the inside of the car,

“You’re fucking crazy.” Calum says with a laugh.

Ashton makes a face, crossing his eyes and looking a little like Luke, which only gets another laugh out of Calum, before he’s going back out, hauling his body out of the window. Calum just shakes his head.

It’s interesting, he thinks, that a little music and rain could practically breathe the life back into Ashton, like a plant.

He decides not to head back to the hotel just yet, even though the smart side of his brain is telling him he really should. He ignores it in favor of the fun side of his brain, which is telling him to drive all day if that’s what it takes to get Ashton away from the edge, away from the snapping point and back to where he’s just okay. Just okay is good.

But the universe decides it has different plans. They’re driving through a quiet residential area when the car sputters and starts to slow, even though Calum’s foot is pressed firmly on the gas. He frowns, pumps the gas pedal a few times, but it does nothing. Ashton seems to notice their new speed and comes back inside, asking a little breathlessly, “Why’re we stopping?”

Calum’s eyes go to the gas gauge, and he realizes with a sinking feeling that it’s on empty. They ran it empty. “We’re out of petrol.” he says, a little disbelief in his voice.

“Are you serious?” Ashton asks, amused sounding, and he must get his answer with the way Calum hits the break and guides them slowly to the curb. He throws his head back and laughs loudly and sincerely.

“Fuckin’ shit.” Calum mutters. He’ll have to call Dave, he figures, because he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s reaching for his phone but Ashton grabs his arm instead, and the way his fingers close around his wrist so gently have him stopping immediately.

“Come on.” Ashton says, a smile on his face and a look in his eye that Calum can’t quite place. But then Ashton says it again and Calum can’t resist, doesn’t even want to, and he’s getting out of the car with Ashton. The rain is still coming down full force and he’s soaked within minutes, but there’s Ashton, in the middle of the road, literally dancing in the rain. Calum laughs.

“What are you doing?” he shouts, hugging himself tightly, feeling the chill creep into his bones.

“Fucking living!” Ashton shouts back, and he jumps into a puddle like a god damned five year old.

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, and Ashton comes over to him, grabs him by the shoulders.

“I dunno, just… Like, just living!” Ashton shouts. “Sometimes what we do is so sucky, you know? I get so depressed, sometimes I fucking hate it. Living out of a suitcase fucking sucks. Being asked the same questions a hundred times over fucking sucks. I hate that stupid fucking tour bus, I hate having no privacy, I hate having to watch what I say. I fucking hate it, Cal.”

Calum knows. He understands, would be lying if he said he never felt the same way. But Ashton’s not angry when he says it, he doesn’t sound bitter or upset. He’s smiling, looking really happy, and that’s why Calum waits to say anything, because there’s gotta be something else to it.

And there is. “But that’s why I love it too, ya know?” Ashton asks. “Because, like, yeah, all that stuff sucks and it’s exhausting and shit, but then I get moments like these!” And he throws his arms out, gesturing to the world around them, and Calum smiles.

“This is rain. That’s all it is! But I can run around in it and not give a shit because who the hell is gonna see this? There aren’t going to be any paps around to take candid photos of this, there aren’t any fans who wanna take selfies. It’s just fucking rain and I dunno why but I feel so alive right now, it’s like…”

He trails off, looking at Calum in absolute wonder. Like he couldn’t possibly find the right words in any language to explain what he means, and yet at the same time Calum gets it. He knows he really does, because the look on Ashton’s face is familiar, is something Calum can feel, too. He gets it.

And he could try and say that, could try to explain to Ashton that he understands this impossible feeling too, that he can feel electricity in his veins. But he doesn’t. Instead he leans in and kisses him.

For one second, for one split second, Calum is afraid that he’s crossed a line. Their relationship has never been clearly defined, no labels to pin them down or rules to say what is and isn’t okay. He’s never been sure. But he is sure that he wanted to kiss Ashton in that moment and so he did, and if that crossed a line well, he’ll deal with the consequences.

Ashton kisses back. He kisses back hard and passionately and brings his hands up to cup Calum’s face and he knows in that moment that those lines have never really existed, that the terms of their relationship have always been whatever they need in the moments they have. And right now, Calum needs Ashton to know that he fucking gets it, that he can feel the life in him, too.

“Thank you.” Ashton whispers against his lips, and Calum pulls back to breathe, rests his hands on Ashton’s waist.

“For what?” he says breathlessly.

Ashton smiles brilliantly, that thousand watt smile. “For making me feel alive.”

 


End file.
